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1923 Pharaoh Tutankhamun's burial chamber is opened.
1937 Nylon is invented
1959 Fidel Castro becomes Premier of Cuba
1968 9-1-1 emergency telephone system goes into service
1972 Wilt Chamberlain scores 30,000th NBA point
2005 The National Hockey League cancels the entire 2004-2005 regular season
BORN ON THIS DAY:
1940 Sonny Bono (Singer and Congressman)
1942 Kim Jong-Il (North Korean dictator)
1958 Ice-T (Rapper and Actor)
1959 John McEnroe (Tennis Player)
1961 Andy Taylor (Musician)
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replies . "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire department. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire and leaving two parts which were easily put out. As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed and grateful that his house and farm had been spared. He got his checkbook and donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds. The captain replied, "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our truck!
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I've got bad feet. Only used them twice. In excellent condition. Like new black working boots for ONLY $20.00. PLUS I'm giving you 3 BONUSES: Like New Barbie Princess Styling Head. Excellent for a small girl. And also as a bonus: Needle point Jewelry Kit for small girl. And A New Microwave Extention Cord. You can move your microwave anywhere in the kitchen. That's a great deal. The boots are size 13.
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual newspaper headline) Linda Burnett, 23, of San Diego, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One store customer became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed Linda's eyes were now open, looking very strange. He asked if she was okay, and Linda replied she'd been shot in the back of the head, and holding her brains in for over an hour. Paramedics came, broke into the car because the doors were locked but Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. They found Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise sounding like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out, but recovered and tried to hold her brains in until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
President's Day 2016
Date Celebrated: the third Monday in February.
President's Day is a day set aside to honor all of the U.S. presidents. We often think of two great presidents George Washington and Abraham Lincoln when we celebrate this holiday, as it falls by design between their birthdays. More and more of us, look at this day as a tribute to each and every person who has ever served in the office f the President of the United States of America.
It is a national holiday. While Federal employees, the post office, and banks have the day off, most businesses and industry do not recognize it as a paid holiday.
Courtesy of www.holidayinsights.com
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me pass gas."
In the 1800's there was a family traveling out west when they came upon an Indian Chief with his ear to the ground. "2 wagon trains, 3 men on horse back, 1 herd of cattle." Said the Chief. The family was amazed. "You mean you can tell all of that is coming just by putting your ear to the ground?" asked the father. The Indian Chief looked up and said, "NO! They ran over me ten minutes ago!"
A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes, she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie. The woman thought a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around." The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in large bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at all of cash. Then she turned to look where her cat once stood. There stood a tall, dark, handsome man with a washboard stomach, and broad shoulders. She walked over to him. He put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
In Russia, imported American hot dogs are big favorites. They are eaten at lunch, dinner, and even breakfast. Hot dogs are often sliced lengthwise, fried in butter and dished up with bread, cheese, and smoked fish.
A Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Disinfect sponges in the microwave. Where do you think most of the germs in your kitchen call home? Probably your dish sponges. One way you can lengthen the life of your sponges and keep them safe and clean is by zapping the germs in the microwave. Just put them inside on high for two minutes and that should be enough to kill the majority of the germs.
Insolent adj. Showing a rude or arrogant lack of respect. “The child’s insolent behavior was unacceptable.”
Amigo to bed now. I’m tired.
There is a snake, called the boomslang, whose venom causes you to bleed out from every orifice on your body. You may even turn blue from internal bleeding, and it can take up to 5 days to die from the bleeding.
A tarantula can live without food for more than two years.
A blonde goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks her why she is there. The blonde complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.” She asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor before?” and the blonde replies, “No, just spots!”
Q: What do you call four matadors in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.
You breathe on average about 8,409,600 times a year.
A Swedish woman lost her wedding ring, and found it 16 years later- growing on a carrot in her garden.
BATS IN THE BELFRY A person who is a bit bewildered, confused, (even considered nuts or crazy) is said to have "bats in their belfry." The term goes back to the days when the tallest building in town was the church due to its tall bell tower and steeple. Because this wasn't enclosed, bats loved these towers; and, at night they'd fly all around swirling as if in confusion. Whenever someone was confused, it was symbolic of the bats flying all which way around the belfry..
Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it, you’ll die.
What is it?
A game warden stops a poacher walking along the beach and tells him he's going to fine him for taking lobsters without a permit. The poacher tells the warden the two lobsters in his hands are his pets and he was just taking them for a walk. "Nonsense," says the game warden. "It's true, it's not against the law to walk your pets along the beach, is it?" asks the man. "I send them into the surf for a swim and when I whistle they come back to me". "I've got to see this; show me." says the game warden. So the man tosses both lobsters into the ocean and the game warden says, "Okay, now let's hear you whistle for your lobsters to swim back to you." "Lobsters?" asks the poacher, "What lobsters?"
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"