Just For Laughs
St Peter is receptionist at the entrance of Heaven. A cat shows up and St Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted." Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.” St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in." Next, a group of mice appeared and St Peter greeted them and said: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you have always wanted." The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?" St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish." Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?" Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that 'Meals on Wheels' thing was a nice touch, too!"
On This Day in History
August 15 Events: 1620 - The Mayflower departs England for the new world. 1877 - Thomas Edison makes the first-ever recording. He records “Mary Had a Little Lamb". 1914 - The Panama Canal first opens to traffic. 1947 - India gains its independence from the United Kingdom.
Famous Birthdays
August 15 Famous Birthdays: 1769 - Napoleon Bonaparte (French Emperor) 1771 - Sir Walter Scott (Poet) 1912 - Julia Child (Chef) 1944 - Linda Ellerbee (Journalist) 1968 - Debra Messing (Actress) 1972 - Ben Affleck (Actor) 1978 - Kerri Walsh (Volleyball player) 1989 - Joe Jonas (Singer and Actor) 1990 - Jennifer Lawrence (Actress playing Katniss in The Hunger Games)
Kids Say the Darnest Things
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various necessary appliances, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Betcha Didn't Know This!
Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from Diarrhea.”
On the Light Side
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
Where Did This Come From?
TO PUT THE SCREWS TO: To pressure someone in order to get something out of them (information, money, etc.) is what it means. The term originates back to a method of torture called thumbscrews where jailers would slowly tighten the screws and create a lot of pain until the prisoner confessed or gave him the information they wanted. Examples of thumbscrew torture are seen in some museums today. But, they are no longer used.