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Just For Laughs
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.” "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Count your blessings," said one woman happily, "Thankfully, we can all still drive."
On This Day in History
February 17 Events: 1621 - Miles Standish becomes commander of Plymouth colony. 1867 - The first ship passes through the Suez Canal. 1933 - Newsweek is published for the first time. 1959 - First weather satellite is launched.
Famous Birthdays
February 17 Famous Birthdays: 1836 - Jim Brown (Football Player) 1843 - Montgomery Ward (Retailer) 1954 - Rene Russo (Actress) 1963 - Michael Jordan (Basketball Player) 1963 - Larry the Cable Guy (Comic) 1972 - Denise Richards (Actress) 1974 - Bryan White (Singer) 1981 - Paris Hilton (Hotel Heiress)
Kids Say the Darnest Things
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back", said one child. "No", said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "You're both wrong. They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
Betcha Didn't Know This!
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: At 6 foot 4 inches, he was tallest president.
On the Light Side
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and imported Scotch and never heard complaining and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and all his friends and family thought he was cool and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end. Please remember, it’s just a fairy tale!
Where Did This Come From?
GO COLD TURKEY: To quit something abruptly. History: People believed that during withdrawal, the skin of drug addicts became translucent, hard to the touch, and covered with goose bumps – like the skin of a plucked turkey.