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1567 King James VI becomes king of Scotland at the age of 1.
1783 Simon Bolivar, El Liberator, is celebrated in Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia, and Venezuela.
1832 The first wagon train makes it across the Rocky Mountains led by Benjamin Bonneville.
1969 Apollo 11, the first space mission to put a man on the moon, splashes down safely in the Pacific Ocean.
1979 Carl Yastrzemski hits his 400th career home run at Fenway Park.
2005 Lance Armstrong wins a record 7th Tour de France.
1783 Simon Bolivar (South American liberator)
1802 Alexandre Dumas (Author of The Three Musketeers)
1897 Amelia Earhart (Pilot)
1949 Michael Richards (Actor played Kramer on Seinfeld)
1951 Lynda Carter (Actress played Wonder Woman
A guy stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. All this was driving his golfing partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the stupid ball!" The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," said the partner. "There's no way you can hit her from here." (Remember: Silence is sometimes the best answer.)
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. 'Forgive us our trespasses.'" When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. `Lead us not into temptation.'"
Need Help With A Duck. I am looking for someone who can relocate a duck – that’s the short story. I have a pool and every year a mallard and a hen show up and occupy my pool until I open it. This may sound dumb..... but I am serious. I have always had an assortment of methods to chase them away - and easily, bottle rockets etc.. radio, teenagers. Eventually they end up somewhere else - just not my pool. This year the hen showed up without the mallard. She won't leave and I'm pretty sure its the same one that has been here every year. She won't leave, and I'm too nice to just go and be mean. Well, I feel completely stupid, if someone knows how to extract a duck, well, I'm all ears. Oh and YES I do get laughed at, at the office..... Is there an online dating service for ducks? Hey I've heard them all. Lemme know.... Thanks for looking.. and stop laughing - I am serious :) Location: Elm and Whitworth, Beverly Hills
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
National Peanut Butter Lovers' Day
Today is a sticky day. National Peanut Butter Lover's Day salutes America's favorite sandwich spread. What kid didn't grow up loving a PB&J sandwich?
Smooth Peanut Butter is by far the most popular. Crunchy peanut butter is also on the market, and is enjoyed by many. Did you Know? Peanut Butter is 90% or more peanuts. While it has no artificial preservatives, an opened jar is stored on a shelf at room temperature.
Courtesy of www.holidayinsights.com
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "IT'S WALES, WALES YOU BLOODY IDIOT!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" and that's the last thing I remember.
And God Looked Down Upon Seniors. . .
Most seniors don’t get enough exercise. So in His wisdom, God decreed that seniors would become forgetful - that they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things misplaced, and so do some walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was yet a need. So, God in his wisdom, made seniors lose coordination, that they would drop things which would require them to bend and reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God considered the functioning of senior bladders, and decided that in His wisdom there might be calls of nature more frequently requiring more trips to the relief station that would burn calories. God looked down and saw that it was good. Seniors were obliged to exercise more from these senior shortcomings and did become more active as a result. So, if you find you are required to get up and down more as you age, remember it's God's will, and in your best interests even though you mutter under your breath. Amen! Let it be! And it is good.
“The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.”
During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That’s the weight of about six elephants.
The true test of character is what we do when no one is watching.
Install a magnetic strip somewhere convenient, like inside a cabinet door. You can attach all kinds of small metallic items like tweezers and bobby pins.
Ignominious adj. Deserving or causing public disgrace or shame; humiliating: “An ignominious defeat.”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
Dogs are capable of understanding up to 250 words and gestures and have demonstrated the ability to do simple mathematical calculations.
It takes about 3,000 cows to supply enough leather for the NFL for only one year.
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a Princess, “Will you marry me?” She said, “No!” .... And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and drank beer all day, every day, for the rest of his natural days. The End.
Cows kill more people than sharks do.
To produce a single pound of honey, a single bee would have to visit 2 million flowers.
SLUSH FUND Back in sailing days, a ship's food supply was stored in a lot of salt pork. After frying or boiling, a lot of fat (aka slush) was left over. Some of it was used to grease timbers. But, they had LOTS of this stuff! So, a lot was just put into storage. When they got back to port, they sold it. (I'm not sure who buys this stuff and why?) Anyway, the money from selling their slush was used to buy extras for the crew. Soon, the term "slush fund" was used to represent money that was taken from a normal budget and used for extras. More commonly, the extras meant to pay bribes for corrupt purposes, etc.
One day a guy heard a knock on his door, so he answered it and no one was there. But he looked down and saw a snail. So he picked up the snail and threw it as far as he could. Three years later, the guy hears a knock on his door, so he answered it and no one was there. He looked down and there was that same snail. The snail said, “What was that all about?!?!”
A man walks into a bar with his turtle which is has two black eyes, 3 broken legs, a bandage on his head and duct tape holding his shell together. The bar man looks to him and says, “What the heck is that thing?” The man replies, “This is the fastest turtle in the world!” The bartender said,” If it can make it across the length of my bar in 10 minutes, i will give you free drinks all evening!” The man said, ”It’s a deal!” So everybody in the bar is waiting patiently for the man to put his turtle on the floor and watch it go. Then the bar man says, “Go,” and without any hesitation, the man throws his turtle across the bar, bouncing it off the wall at the other side and falling to the floor. The man replies “Two shots of vodka please”.
In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.”$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.” The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.” “Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”