Just For Laughs

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... It’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room. "Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later....20 minutes later.... 30 minutes later... no centipede…45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede says, "I'm going! I'm going! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

On This Day in History

March 6 Events: 1836 - Texan volunteers are defeated at The Alamo. 1869 - Dmitri Mendeleev presents the first periodic table. 1964 - New world record for the mile (3 minutes 56 seconds) set by Tom O'hara. 1981 - Walter Cronkite's last CBS Evening News Broadcast.

Famous Birthdays

March 6 Famous Birthdays: 1475 - Michelangelo (Italian artist) 1619 - Cyrano De Bergerac (Author) 1806 - Elizabeth Barrett Browning (Poet) 1923 - Ed McMahon (Late Show TV announcer) 1945 - Rob Reiner (Director) 1959 - Tom Arnold (Actor) 1972 - Shaquille O'Neal (Basketball Player)

Betcha Didn't Know This!

A collector of trivia is called a “spermologer.” Get your mind out of the gutter, folks.

Kids Say the Darnest Things

“Daddy, where did I come from?” the seven-year-old asked. Her parents took her into the living room, got out several books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. “Does that answer your question?” her father asked. “Not really,” the little girl said. “Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from!”

On the Light Side

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky: Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101? Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine. In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps. Reporter: When do you drink water?

Where Did This Come From?

RUB THE WRONG WAY: To irritate, bother, or annoy someone. History: In colonial America, servants were required to wet-rub and dry-rub the oak-board floors each week. Doing it against the grain caused streaks to form, making the wood look awful and irritating the homeowner.

Idiot Sightings

IDIOT SIGHTING - At a Texas fairground, some buildings were in need of a coat of paint, so local contractors were hired to do the job. Between the buildings was an angled culvert, designed to drain rainwater away from the buildings. Because of the slope, the wheeled painter scaffolding tended to roll downhill, so the painters removed the wheels on the scaffolding. They were in the process of moving the scaffolding, when the metal structure met a transformer. The painters were killed. The town was abuzz with talk of the tragedy, and whether the city was liable for damages. The city officials decided they needed to conduct an investigation. With much fanfare, they prepared to personally recreate the circumstances... and were promptly electrocuted, too.